Patriots' New Super Bowl Rings Cause Fingers To Shrivel Up, Turn Black

[shakedownstreet]

 

 

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black. “Oh my God!” a horrified Julian Edelman screamed moments after slipping on the diamond-encrusted band, which immediately turned his ring finger into a shrunken, dried husk of charcoal flesh as spider-like tendrils of black rot rapidly spread up the wide receiver’s arm. 

 

http://www.theonion.com/article/patriots-horrified-after-new-super-bowl-rings-caus-50698

[crazycolt1]

Now that is funny no matter who you are.  The picture was great.

[southwest1]

Now that is funny no matter who you are.  The picture was great.

Yeah, The Onion which used to be published in my neck of the woods Madison, WI always makes me laugh my caboose off.

 

Ruksak & Shakedown Street should be the editors of that paper. They'd be freaking awesome at it & increase readership by 90% in 2 weeks. Of this, SW1 has no doubt.

 

Save a guest column spot for me once in awhile fellas thanks. I'll have my people call your people & we'll do lunch. Just Kidding!  

 

The Peytonator has a darn good sarcastic gene too. He needs to have an executive corner room office with a window too. Okay, I'll stop. He's hysterical though. I'm just saying man. 

[Cynjin]

Love The Onion.

[southwest1]

So, if Bill felt no pain, cackled, & wasn't burned on his skin at all, is it safe to assume he's double dipping as the NE Patriots HC & the Prince Of The Underworld? I kid; I kid. 

 

That might explain his preference for Gray hoodies though. Grey symbolically is a hard to pin down area that blurs the line between clarity & confusion. 

[Shane Bond]

That was awesome except this should be in regular news paper not onion.

That ring is tainted alright.

[Yehoodi]

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/article/patriots-horrified-after-new-super-bowl-rings-caus-50698

 

That funny, thanks for posting.

 

I could not help bout think about the scene in the Wizard of Oz after Dorothy's house fell on the Wicked Witch of the East and her legs shrunk while Dorothy got her Ruby Slipper's

 

"I'll get you my [little] pretty" the sister the Wicked Witch of the West said to Dorothy. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eFubQuK0dg

 

For anyone that just got a sudden urge for Maxwell House coffee its understandable as that actress pitched the coffee in the 70s

[HOZER]

So, if Bill felt no pain, cackled, & wasn't burned on his skin at all, is it safe to assume he's double dipping as the NE Patriots HC & the Prince Of The Underworld? I kid; I kid.

That might explain his preference for Gray hoodies though. Grey symbolically is a hard to pin down area that blurs the line between clarity & confusion.

He is Beelzebub for sure.

[ColtsSouljah]

This is hilarious, but I wonder how many people are getting the reference (horcrux)

[amfootball]

Meh. Not the onion's best work. Cool photo though.

[Moose Of Woe]

Should have had the 9 best Patriots players turn in to Ring Wraiths, with BB as Sauron.

[crazycolt1]

Meh. Not the onion's best work. Cool photo though.

Not there best work? And why is that? After all that the Patriots and the fans have been through I guess you have no sense of humor left? You have become so obsessed with any and every comment, story or article that don't shine a bright light on Brady and the Patriot players that you have lost all of your ability to sit back and have a laugh over all of it. Sad.

[amfootball]

Not there best work? And why is that? After all that the Patriots and the fans have been through I guess you have no sense of humor left? You have become so obsessed with any and every comment, story or article that don't shine a bright light on Brady and the Patriot players that you have lost all of your ability to sit back and have a laugh over all of it. Sad.

I just didn't think it was funny. It would not matter what team/ring they were making fun of. They have been pretty awful lately with their stuff IMO.

[Nadine]

The Onion is awesome

[southwest1]

He is Beelzebub for sure.

Huh, I had no idea that word, the 1 I bolded, was Hebrew for the devil. Thanks m colts m I learned something today. Cool. 

[crazycolt1]

I just didn't think it was funny. It would not matter what team/ring they were making fun of. They have been pretty awful lately with their stuff IMO.

A little too touchy I think. Obsession is a scary thing.  When you lose your sense of humor you lose your mind.

[southwest1]

Should have had the 9 best Patriots players turn in to Ring Wraiths, with BB as Sauron.

Sauron is a good choice as the evil eye MOW, but I prefer Nazgul The Witch King myself. Yes I know, SW1 is a huge Lord Of The Rings JRR Tolkien nerd I'll admit it. 

 

 

 

 

[ColtsSouljah]

Should have had the 9 best Patriots players turn in to Ring Wraiths, with BB as Sauron.

 

 

Sauron is a good choice as the evil eye MOW, but I prefer Nazgul The Witch King myself. Yes I know, SW1 is a huge Lord Of The Rings JRR Tolkien nerd I'll admit it. 

 

 

 

 

 

BB should be Voldemont since the article is a Voldemort reference

[HOZER]

Huh, I had no idea that word, the 1 I bolded, was Hebrew for the devil. Thanks m colts m I learned something today. Cool.

Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

for me

for me

I know you know what song that's from!!!! lol

[Bubbz]

I just didn't think it was funny. It would not matter what team/ring they were making fun of. They have been pretty awful lately with their stuff IMO.

It completely matters what ring they are making fun of, since many view the pats ring as tainted

[Swan Ronson]

To be fair, I like The Onion but didn't find that particularly funny either. Maybe that is because I haven't seen, and have no intetest in seeing, any Lord of the rings films.

[amfootball]

It completely matters what ring they are making fun of, since many view the pats ring as tainted

People can view them however they want. They were the most expensive rings in SB history so Kraft valued them pretty highly as did the players who earned them.

[crazycolt1]

People can view them however they want. They were the most expensive rings in SB history so Kraft valued them pretty highly as did the players who earned them.

Is that suppose to impress someone? How much money was spent? Now you are bragging for Kraft?

[Bubbz]

People can view them however they want. They were the most expensive rings in SB history so Kraft valued them pretty highly as did the players who earned them.

I know people can view them however they want. I don't understand how the actual cost of the rings is at all relevant

[Swan Ronson]

All that money and no taste.

[Gramz]

People can view them however they want. They were the most expensive rings in SB history so Kraft valued them pretty highly as did the players who earned them.

I suppose he won't be giving this one to Putin then?

[crazycolt1]

I suppose he won't be giving this one to Putin then?

I had forgotten about that. But I do remember the look on Kraft's face, priceless!

[amfootball]

I know people can view them however they want. I don't understand how the actual cost of the rings is at all relevant

I mentioned the cost because as far as Kraft and the players were concerned the rings symbolized their achievement and just how much it meant to Kraft to have his players and staff have the very best to commemorate the achievement.

[Jules]

Before I read it I thought it may be real. I had a few rings in the past that stained my fingers lol. Certain metals etc.

[crazycolt1]

I mentioned the cost because as far as Kraft and the players were concerned the rings symbolized their achievement and just how much it meant to Kraft to have his players and staff have the very best to commemorate the achievement.

If it wasn't for Tom he could have spent another million on the rings.

[amfootball]

If it wasn't for Tom he could have spent another million on the rings.

lol. Kraft is a billionaire. He could have spent whatever he wanted and he apparently did.

[shakedownstreet]

Before I read it I thought it may be real

 

keep the dream alive! 

[Bubbz]

I mentioned the cost because as far as Kraft and the players were concerned the rings symbolized their achievement and just how much it meant to Kraft to have his players and staff have the very best to commemorate the achievement.

So pretty much what you're saying is the rings are worth more in sentimental value to this patriots team than most nonsense winners, because Kraft spent more money on them? And therefore the onion can't make a joke about them?

[amfootball]

So pretty much what you're saying is the rings are worth more in sentimental value to this patriots team than most nonsense winners, because Kraft spent more money on them? And therefore the onion can't make a joke about them?

No. I just didn't think the joke was funny. Would not have mattered if it was the Pats or any other championship team.

[Bubbz]

No. I just didn't think the joke was funny. Would not have mattered if it was the Pats or any other championship team.

So again why did u bring up the ring cost? The joke is ONLY funny because it's about the patriots

[crazycolt1]

lol. Kraft is a billionaire. He could have spent whatever he wanted and he apparently did.

Just for your personal information Kraft is the 8th richest NFL owner if that is what flips your trigger. Paul Allen is #1 and could buy and sell Kraft if he wanted to. Allen is worth 16 billion while Kraft is worth 2.6 billion.

[crazycolt1]

No. I just didn't think the joke was funny. Would not have mattered if it was the Pats or any other championship team.

I find that pretty hard to believe. Had the picture shown Irsay or a Colt player you would have fun with it. Even Yehoodi found it funny. I learned along time ago if you can't laugh at yourself you are taking yourself way too serious.

[amfootball]

I find that pretty hard to believe. Had the picture shown Irsay or a Colt player you would have fun with it. Even Yehoodi found it funny. I learned along time ago if you can't laugh at yourself you are taking yourself way too serious.

Why do you care if I found it funny?

[crazycolt1]

Why do you care if I found it funny?

I don't, but maybe you should?

[southwest1]

I suppose he won't be giving this one to Putin then?

Cute one there Gramz. I wonder if Robert Kraft will ever get that ring back. Vladimir Putin more or less believes in "it looks good on my finger so I'm keeping it."

 

I still wonder why Robert didn't say "It's my ring man. Give it back ASAP Russian President now please." I would have. I don't care if he did lead the KGB. I want back what's mine & I'm getting it too. 

 

Did Robert just take in a newspaper headline about Putin keeping his ring & Tiffany's made him another one free of charge due to extenuating circumstances outside his control? That's what I figure he did.