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Colts Offensive Line To Revolutionize Blocking Against The Browns

John Waylon

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The Indianapolis Colts offensive line, by all accounts and opinions, did an awful job blocking for their quarterback and running backs in their season opener against the Houston Texans this past weekend. The blocking up front has, for a while now, been one of the Colts biggest weaknesses. They have tried several different lineups and techniques to make things better, but so far none have seemed to work.

Until now.

Recently in practice the offensive line tried out a technique that produced surprising, and extremely useful results:

Line dancing.

"Well, nothing else was working, you know, and finally one play I suggested we do the Boot, Scoot, 'n Boogy after the ball was snapped and Jeff was like 'Sure, why not?' so we did it and surprisingly it worked," explains Guard Ryan Diem. "Jeff snapped the ball and off we went. The defensive line was so stunned by our actions they just kind of stopped and stood there, watching trying to figure out what we were doing... The linebackers did as well, and the members of the secondary took notice to. They ended up blowing their assignments and Donald Brown took a handoff and got positive yardage out of it. It was a special moment, for sure."

Jeff Saturday was skeptical at first, but has quickly become a believer. "Well, I did it just to humor Ryan. He's been begging to do it for years, and finally I just gave in. So we did it and it worked, man, it just worked. The defense was thrown off guard so much by it they didn't know whether to crap or go blind. Jeff Linkenbach has been doing it his whole career, so in a strange twist it turns out he's been our best offensive linemen his entire time here. The Browns have no idea what's coming. We have a routine to 'Achy, Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus that's so good even Bill Polian is trying to get in on the action."

So how did the defenders feel about it? "Man, I was confused as heck," said Dwight Freeney. "Jeff snapped the ball and then they were clapping, toe tapping, and spinning in unison like it was 1994. We really didn't know what to think."

The defense's performance in Houston wasn't much better than that of the offensive line, and when asked if they were trying to come up with unique ways to improve their unit Robert Mathis confided that ideas were being tossed around. "We discussed it, sure. I think at one point on Sunday you're going to see us four down linemen break into a square dance once the Browns snap the ball. The linebackers are talking about starting a mosh-pit, and the secondary has been practicing the dance that the 'Peanuts' kids do. We figure it'll confuse the heck out of the Browns, so it's worth a try, right?"

When asked whether or not these techniques would be an official part of Sunday's gameplan, Coach Jim Caldwell remained mum: "Well, I mean, it couldn't make things any worse than it was last weekend, could it?"

Let's all hope not...

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they can do that by pass and run blocking good for a change the oline we will see what happens but am i the only one who thinks jeff is a little long in the tooth and sees him getting blown back alot?

but i not about to say he is part of the problem cause we thought lilja was and we was part of a chiefs line that blocked good for thomas and charles i was just

wondering why we didnt go after any vets or our we gonna groom young guys who will be around for a while?

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woow i just wasted five mins of my life reading this... i actually took that blog seriously until i saw the name at the bottom.

The fact that it took you until you got to the bottom to figure it out is kind of scary.

They may be in for a rude awakening come Sunday. The Colts defense may be the only defense in the league that this would actually work against. Maybe not the best barometer by which to gauge a new scheme.

The fact that you actually seemed to take it seriously is even more scary.

I guess I have to post the "This is a piece of satire humor and contains 0% truth" disclaimer before each of my articles...

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