The Offseason Reading Series #5: Which Simpsons characters are the Indianapolis Colts?

[21isSuperman]

Not much NFL-related news these days, so here's another installment of the Offseason Reading Series to keep you all entertained! (@buccolts )

 

Previous ORS installments

ORS1: The best Indianapolis Colts team ever

ORS2: Which Indianapolis Colt are you?

ORS3: Dissecting the 15th overall pick

ORS4: Choose your contract

 

Note: I began writing this one before the offseason began, so some of the players listed on here are no longer with the Colts.

 

Which Simpsons players are the Indianapolis Colts?

 

The Simpsons is an extremely popular show, setting records as being one of the longest TV programs in history.  Personally, I’m a huge fan of the show.  I don’t find the current episodes as entertaining, but The Simpsons is one of my favourite TV shows ever.  Is there any cross between the pop culture of the Simpsons and our favourite football team?  If we wanted to find analogous Simpsons characters for our Indianapolis Colts, who is what?  With over 100 main characters, each with a unique personality, it shouldn’t be too difficult, right?

 

Andrew Luck is…

 

Neither guy is what you expect.  You don’t see them bragging and boasting, you don’t see them criticize others.  They don’t ride the newest sports car or wear the shiniest diamonds.  They have plenty to brag about: Ned Flanders is ripped, moral, and volunteers as a firefighters while Luck is one of the best players in the NFL.  But neither guy will tell you about themselves very much.

Flanders quote that personifies Luck’s modest character: “Homer, ah... about those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub…”

 

---

 

TY Hilton is…

 

Both guys have a cool and quiet confidence about them and there aren’t many people that dislike them.  Carl is a supervisor at the power plant, showing he knows how to do his job well.  Similarly, Hilton is among the league’s top receivers, winning the 2016 receiving yards title.  It's not very often you hear either guy criticized for being unfriendly or having a bad attitude.  They're both well-liked by their peers.

Carl image that personifies Hilton’s universal approval:

 

---

 

Ryan Kelly is…

 

Both guys are known for their tenacity and physical, hands-on approach to what they do.  Nelson generally appears to be the leader of the bullies while Kelly acted as a leader for the offensive line at Alabama, calling out protections and line calls.  While he was just a rookie, we can expect him to do the same in Indy in the upcoming years.  

Nelson quote that personifies Kelly’s tenacity: “God, if you don't bring my Lisa back safe, ants will burn tonight.”

 

---

 

Anthony Castonzo is…

 

His main job is to protect and he does so very loyally, rarely questioning his boss or making a scene.  Both guys are given tough jobs at times: Mayor Quimby once gave his bodyguard a random baby and told him to raise it as his own; as left tackle, Castonzo is consistently given the toughest pass rushers as his assignment.

Bodyguard moment that personifies Castonzo’s do-your-job attitude:

 

---

 

Dwayne Allen is…

 

When healthy, Wendell contributes to the studies and activities of his friends, the nerds.  Unfortunately, he isn’t healthy that often.  He breaks his arm on a trampoline, he pukes on bus rides, he even puked in the hallway so much that Groundskeeper Willie proclaimed “‘Tis a mighty pile of puke!”  When healthy, Allen was a productive player....but we all know how that turned out.

Wendell moment that personifies Allen’s inability to stay healthy:

 

---

 

Jack Mewhort is…

 

Not only do both of them have raspy voices, but they’ve both got a mean streak and you don’t want to pick a fight with either of them (Mewhort because of his size and fiery attitude, Moe because he has a shotgun under the bar counter and loves to pull it out).

Moe picture that personifies Mewhort’s mean streak:

 

---

 

Jack Doyle is…

 

These guys can do it all.  Doyle can be utilized out of the backfield, as a TE, or as a lead blocker.  Smithers knows Mr. Burns’ extensive routine and does his many jobs without protest.  Smithers does a lot for Mr. Burns, just like how Doyle does a lot for the Colts’ offense.  Unsung heroes who do their job to the best of their ability.

Smithers quote that personifies Doyle’s utility: “Actually, I value every second we're together, from the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning till I tuck him in at night.”

 

---

 

Chuck Pagano is…

 

Both guys are a bit more on the meek and conservative side.  They’re also both known as nice-guys, which unfortunately hasn’t translated to the most success for either of them.  However, despite the setbacks, their eternal optimism keeps them going.

Gil quote that personifies Pagano’s optimism: “Aw, you should’ve seen me, honey.  I was in the zone. What? No, no, I didn’t make a sale, but I was so close, I could feel it!”

 

---

 

Frank Gore is…

 

Despite being up there in age, Gore hasn’t let anything stop him from being a solid running back.  He continues to run physically and play tough football.  Similarly, despite her age, Agnes Skinner is one of the tougher Simpsons characters, always ready for a fight and never backing down.

Agnes moment that personifies Gore’s toughness despite his age:

 

---

 

Robert Mathis is…

 

No one expected Herb to be a success.  He was put up for adoption shortly after being born, showing just how much he had to overcome.  Despite all that, he’s made himself very wealthy.  No one expected Mathis to become a great NFL player either.  He came from a small school, was a late round pick, and was undersized.  He overcame that.  Then came a change in defense from 4-3 to 3-4 and he was still able to play well.  Then came an Achilles’ injury, which he overcame to produce a 7 sack season.  Whatever adversity they face, Herb and Mathis can overcome it.

Herb moment that personifies Mathis’ hard work to overcome adversity: When Homer’s terrible car idea makes Powell Motors go bankrupt, Herb regains his wealth by working hard and making a clever invention, the baby translator.

 

---

 

Henry Anderson is…

 

Despite having a thankless and unforgiving job, Principal Skinner enjoys what he does.  He has to deal with a lot of problems (lack of funding, Superintendent Chalmers always yelling at him, Bart), but he continues to grind it out every day.  High motor, intelligent, and hard-working guy who doesn’t brag or boast or look for credit.  That personifies Henry Anderson.

Skinner quote that personifies Anderson’s relentless motor and never-give-up attitude: after dealing with Bart and being rejected by Marge’s sister, Patty, “Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!”

 

---

 

Pat McAfee is…

 

Both guys do a job that isn’t appreciated all that much, but when they aren’t there, you notice it.  Both guys also look like they could run through a brick wall.  Groundskeeper Willie once said “there’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman”.  While he doesn’t say it, McAfee’s play shows there’s nary a returner alive that can outrun our punter.

Willie quote that personifies McAfee’s determination in taking down returners: I hate to re-use a quote, but it works perfectly.  “There’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman”

 

---

 

Adam Vinatieri is…

 

Both the Rabbi and Vinny are older in age and have a lot of experience.  Vinny has tons of playoff and NFL experience and is a respected leader in the locker room.  Rabbi Krustofski is a wise person who many, including Krusty, go to for advice.

 

Rabbi Krustofsky moment that personifies the respect players have for Vinny’s experience:

 

---

 

So there you have it!  I'm sure there are many other good examples of other Colts players being similar to Simpsons characters, or possibly even better examples for the players I chose.  Let me know what you think!

[Boiler_Colt]

Disappointed my man Hank Scorpio didn't make the list.

[BR-549]

I might have picked Bart for Pat.... just because of the mischievous appeal of both.    Willie is cool too....

God I am going to miss Pat... will be a long time before the NFL sees another punter with so much character and athletic ability and or willingness the guy has.

[bababooey]

Pat McAfee is Duffman obviously.

 

Grigson is Frank Grimes

[HectorRoberts]

You can tell when the offseason Is slow when there have been 5 of these "offseason readings"

[21isSuperman]

54 minutes ago, Boiler_Colt said:

Disappointed my man Hank Scorpio didn't make the list.

I couldn't think of anyone evil enough to be him.  I really wanted him to be on the list, but I couldn't think of anyone.  The closest I can think of is Irsay because he's the owner of a big franchise, but Irsay doesn't have the supervillian side to him

 

48 minutes ago, BR-549 said:

I might have picked Bart for Pat.... just because of the mischievous appeal of both.    Willie is cool too....

God I am going to miss Pat... will be a long time before the NFL sees another punter with so much character and athletic ability and or willingness the guy has.

I thought of that too, because of their joking and light-hearted nature, but Bart seems to do pranks and get into trouble just for the sake of it.  Pat is an all-around good guy.

 

27 minutes ago, HectorRoberts said:

You can tell when the offseason Is slow when there have been 5 of these "offseason readings"

Plenty more left It is a series, after all

[Yoshinator]

1 hour ago, 21isSuperman said:

Not much NFL-related news these days, so here's another installment of the Offseason Reading Series to keep you all entertained! (@buccolts )

 

Previous ORS installments

ORS1: The best Indianapolis Colts team ever

ORS2: Which Indianapolis Colt are you?

ORS3: Dissecting the 15th overall pick

ORS4: Choose your contract

 

Note: I began writing this one before the offseason began, so some of the players listed on here are no longer with the Colts.

 

Which Simpsons players are the Indianapolis Colts?

 

The Simpsons is an extremely popular show, setting records as being one of the longest TV programs in history.  Personally, I’m a huge fan of the show.  I don’t find the current episodes as entertaining, but The Simpsons is one of my favourite TV shows ever.  Is there any cross between the pop culture of the Simpsons and our favourite football team?  If we wanted to find analogous Simpsons characters for our Indianapolis Colts, who is what?  With over 100 main characters, each with a unique personality, it shouldn’t be too difficult, right?

 

Andrew Luck is…

 

Neither guy is what you expect.  You don’t see them bragging and boasting, you don’t see them criticize others.  They don’t ride the newest sports car or wear the shiniest diamonds.  They have plenty to brag about: Ned Flanders is ripped, moral, and volunteers as a firefighters while Luck is one of the best players in the NFL.  But neither guy will tell you about themselves very much.

Flanders quote that personifies Luck’s modest character: “Homer, ah... about those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub…”

 

---

 

TY Hilton is…

 

Both guys have a cool and quiet confidence about them and there aren’t many people that dislike them.  Carl is a supervisor at the power plant, showing he knows how to do his job well.  Similarly, Hilton is among the league’s top receivers, winning the 2016 receiving yards title.  It's not very often you hear either guy criticized for being unfriendly or having a bad attitude.  They're both well-liked by their peers.

Carl image that personifies Hilton’s universal approval:

 

---

 

Ryan Kelly is…

 

Both guys are known for their tenacity and physical, hands-on approach to what they do.  Nelson generally appears to be the leader of the bullies while Kelly acted as a leader for the offensive line at Alabama, calling out protections and line calls.  While he was just a rookie, we can expect him to do the same in Indy in the upcoming years.  

Nelson quote that personifies Kelly’s tenacity: “God, if you don't bring my Lisa back safe, ants will burn tonight.”

 

---

 

Anthony Castonzo is…

 

His main job is to protect and he does so very loyally, rarely questioning his boss or making a scene.  Both guys are given tough jobs at times: Mayor Quimby once gave his bodyguard a random baby and told him to raise it as his own; as left tackle, Castonzo is consistently given the toughest pass rushers as his assignment.

Bodyguard moment that personifies Castonzo’s do-your-job attitude:

 

---

 

Dwayne Allen is…

 

When healthy, Wendell contributes to the studies and activities of his friends, the nerds.  Unfortunately, he isn’t healthy that often.  He breaks his arm on a trampoline, he pukes on bus rides, he even puked in the hallway so much that Groundskeeper Willie proclaimed “‘Tis a mighty pile of puke!”  When healthy, Allen was a productive player....but we all know how that turned out.

Wendell moment that personifies Allen’s inability to stay healthy:

 

---

 

Jack Mewhort is…

 

Not only do both of them have raspy voices, but they’ve both got a mean streak and you don’t want to pick a fight with either of them (Mewhort because of his size and fiery attitude, Moe because he has a shotgun under the bar counter and loves to pull it out).

Moe picture that personifies Mewhort’s mean streak:

 

---

 

Jack Doyle is…

 

These guys can do it all.  Doyle can be utilized out of the backfield, as a TE, or as a lead blocker.  Smithers knows Mr. Burns’ extensive routine and does his many jobs without protest.  Smithers does a lot for Mr. Burns, just like how Doyle does a lot for the Colts’ offense.  Unsung heroes who do their job to the best of their ability.

Smithers quote that personifies Doyle’s utility: “Actually, I value every second we're together, from the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning till I tuck him in at night.”

 

---

 

Chuck Pagano is…

 

Both guys are a bit more on the meek and conservative side.  They’re also both known as nice-guys, which unfortunately hasn’t translated to the most success for either of them.  However, despite the setbacks, their eternal optimism keeps them going.

Gil quote that personifies Pagano’s optimism: “Aw, you should’ve seen me, honey.  I was in the zone. What? No, no, I didn’t make a sale, but I was so close, I could feel it!”

 

---

 

Frank Gore is…

 

Despite being up there in age, Gore hasn’t let anything stop him from being a solid running back.  He continues to run physically and play tough football.  Similarly, despite her age, Agnes Skinner is one of the tougher Simpsons characters, always ready for a fight and never backing down.

Agnes moment that personifies Gore’s toughness despite his age:

 

---

 

Robert Mathis is…

 

No one expected Herb to be a success.  He was put up for adoption shortly after being born, showing just how much he had to overcome.  Despite all that, he’s made himself very wealthy.  No one expected Mathis to become a great NFL player either.  He came from a small school, was a late round pick, and was undersized.  He overcame that.  Then came a change in defense from 4-3 to 3-4 and he was still able to play well.  Then came an Achilles’ injury, which he overcame to produce a 7 sack season.  Whatever adversity they face, Herb and Mathis can overcome it.

Herb moment that personifies Mathis’ hard work to overcome adversity: When Homer’s terrible car idea makes Powell Motors go bankrupt, Herb regains his wealth by working hard and making a clever invention, the baby translator.

 

---

 

Henry Anderson is…

 

Despite having a thankless and unforgiving job, Principal Skinner enjoys what he does.  He has to deal with a lot of problems (lack of funding, Superintendent Chalmers always yelling at him, Bart), but he continues to grind it out every day.  High motor, intelligent, and hard-working guy who doesn’t brag or boast or look for credit.  That personifies Henry Anderson.

Skinner quote that personifies Anderson’s relentless motor and never-give-up attitude: after dealing with Bart and being rejected by Marge’s sister, Patty, “Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!”

 

---

 

Pat McAfee is…

 

Both guys do a job that isn’t appreciated all that much, but when they aren’t there, you notice it.  Both guys also look like they could run through a brick wall.  Groundskeeper Willie once said “there’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman”.  While he doesn’t say it, McAfee’s play shows there’s nary a returner alive that can outrun our punter.

Willie quote that personifies McAfee’s determination in taking down returners: I hate to re-use a quote, but it works perfectly.  “There’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman”

 

---

 

Adam Vinatieri is…

 

Both the Rabbi and Vinny are older in age and have a lot of experience.  Vinny has tons of playoff and NFL experience and is a respected leader in the locker room.  Rabbi Krustofski is a wise person who many, including Krusty, go to for advice.

 

Rabbi Krustofsky moment that personifies the respect players have for Vinny’s experience:

 

---

 

So there you have it!  I'm sure there are many other good examples of other Colts players being similar to Simpsons characters, or possibly even better examples for the players I chose.  Let me know what you think!

Fantastic job! Loved this show since I was two years old and the Christmas episode started it all in 1989! You absolutely nailed these character-player comparisions. Lot of fun reading this and much appreciated combining two things I love, Simpsons and Colts football! 

[BR-549]

26 minutes ago, 21isSuperman said:

I couldn't think of anyone evil enough to be him.  I really wanted him to be on the list, but I couldn't think of anyone.  The closest I can think of is Irsay because he's the owner of a big franchise, but Irsay doesn't have the supervillian side to him

 

I thought of that too, because of their joking and light-hearted nature, but Bart seems to do pranks and get into trouble just for the sake of it.  Pat is an all-around good guy.

 

Plenty more left It is a series, after all

Yes he is, however don't forget about the canal, lol..... seems a little like a Bart move.

[rock8591]

Arthur Jones = Fat Tony

[21isSuperman]

1 hour ago, BR-549 said:

Yes he is, however don't forget about the canal, lol..... seems a little like a Bart move.

That's true.  I could see Pat being a great prankster too, but I don't know of any pranks he's played

[21isSuperman]

1 hour ago, Jared Cisneros said:

Fantastic job! Loved this show since I was two years old and the Christmas episode started it all in 1989! You absolutely nailed these character-player comparisions. Lot of fun reading this and much appreciated combining two things I love, Simpsons and Colts football! 

Thanks, buddy. Glad you enjoyed it! 

[Architects08]

The Colts=Ralph

[BR-549]

14 minutes ago, 21isSuperman said:

That's true.  I could see Pat being a great prankster too, but I don't know of any pranks he's played

Cool thread by the way.... another one sometime with Family Guy characters?..... maybe in your idle time? (assuming you have leftover idle time).... you have a talent for this type of thing...among other more valuable talents of course.  Meh, maybe the shine has worn off.

[21isSuperman]

2 hours ago, BR-549 said:

Cool thread by the way.... another one sometime with Family Guy characters?..... maybe in your idle time? (assuming you have leftover idle time).... you have a talent for this type of thing...among other more valuable talents of course.  Meh, maybe the shine has worn off.

Unfortunately, I don't watch Family Guy, so I don't know enough about the show to make comparisons.  Thanks for the compliments!

[Carlos Danger]

Some of the things Vontae says sound like they were written for Ralph Wiggum.

 

McAfee reminds me of Otto for some reason. 

 

L. Landry is the action hero Schwarzenegger guy (is it McBain, or is that something else?)

 

Spot on with Pagano as Ol' Gil... 

[Coltsfan1953]

12 hours ago, SanDiegoColt8 said:

The Colts=Ralph

I thank you for that, since I'm a Ralph

[ManningGM]

Chuck Pagano is Dr. Nick.

 

May not be a physician, but he's an inept, fraudulent coach.

[Yoshinator]

5 minutes ago, ManningGM said:

Chuck Pagano is Dr. Nick.

 

May not be a physician, but he's an inept, fraudulent coach.

Hi everybody! Hi Dr Nick!

[21isSuperman]

3 hours ago, Jared Cisneros said:

Hi everybody! Hi Dr Nick!

Uh oh!  That lady swallowed a baby

[southwest1]

Nothing really to add to this thread...Except to give 21Superman props for his Simpson/Colts ingenuity. Nice work man! 

 

I haven't watched The Simpsons in a long time, but you have a vivid imagination there 21. Praise my brother. 

[21isSuperman]

1 hour ago, southwest1 said:

Nothing really to add to this thread...Except to give 21Superman props for his Simpson/Colts ingenuity. Nice work man! 

 

I haven't watched The Simpsons in a long time, but you have a vivid imagination there 21. Praise my brother. 

Thanks!  Glad you liked it